Are you at a messy place right now and your mind wonders if God really does redeem our stories? Not just when we enter our heavenly home but here and now, this side of heaven?
Maybe you have found yourself on a detour that you never saw coming. Maybe this very moment you are facing some unwanted, ugly, painful and unintended parts of your story that have left you wailing on the carpet desperate for God’s intervention.
Friend, can I encourage you to pause for a moment? Please. Hit the hold button. Take a break from your tears, your questions, your doubts and simply let these words take a hold of your heart.
Our. God. Is. Faithful. Always.
Even now! Yes, even in THIS season, THIS heartbreak, THIS loss, THIS pain.
How can I proclaim this so boldly and confidently? Because I have walked through unwanted chapters in my own life and am now reaping the beauty that God brings as the pages turn.
I am cheering YOU forward. You are not alone!
God has not only redeemed my story but abundantly given me more than I could ask or imagine. Did I say it’s been easy? NO! Did I say the struggles are gone? Absolutely NOT! What I AM saying is that God has brought beauty from the ashes and the brokenness that this messy girl had lived with for so long.
I don’t say this out of pride or arrogance or with a “look at me now” mentality….I am sharing this to give YOU a shot of hope. Because not so long ago, I was on the carpet completely shattered and struggling, just like YOU!
Broken, wounded, stressed to the hilt, and ever so desperate. It wasn’t just one hard thing but many painful things that left me with uncontrollable eye twitches and itchy stress rashes. Yes, there is such a thing, ugh!
I will not go into details. After all, I know what you would do. You would do the the same thing that most of us do. Your kneejerk reaction would entice you to compare your story to mine and then you would miss the whole point.
What I can tell you is that the above picture represents so much more than a wedding day…but a rescue; A day when God boldly declared to my heart that He is well able to redeem and take what the enemy meant to destroy me and my family and make it into something more precious than I could have ever imagined.
It represents the answer to countless prayers prayed by many that I did not even know were praying for me and my family at the time. You see, it wasn’t just my victory in Jesus but other’s victory and testimony, too! Those who God divinely surrounded us with who stood in the gap. Those who loved me, supported me, believed in me and more importantly those with faith-filled hearts who believed that God had GOOD plans for us in spite of how it looked then. My heart is so thankful.
This is why I am here, to tell YOU that GOD is not finished with YOUR story!
God DOES redeem, my friend! He takes the messy, the ugly, and the broken parts of our stories and creates beauty from the all the ashes.
Remember this; whatever chapter you are in, whatever your life looks like this very moment will soon pass. It is only for a season. Life will not always be this hard, nor this painful.
You are on the pathway, detours and all, to greater joy and intimacy with Christ than you have ever known.
It’s okay if you can’t see that right now because God sees it! His plans for YOU are good! When you can’t see clearly and everything around you is falling apart remember, your God IS faithful. That is ALL you need to know. That’s enough. Jesus is enough.
Stay on the carpet until your knees burn and ugly cry your way through but don’t EVER stop the wrestling.
With God, your waiting time is NOT wasted time…He is creating room in you for the beauty that is yet to come!
Friend, stubbornly hold on to your faith as you hold on to your God. Follow hard after him…stay obedient no matter what your feelings tell you. Expect God to move!
One day, you will see clearly that He never left you even in your darkest moments. He was cutting away the lies from the past to make room for a NEW season, a NEW beginning that could not compare to anything you have experienced before.
Hebrews 10:23 (ESV) “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful”.
I have had lots of thought lately with regards to what it looks like to be a follower of Christ, specifically, a woman of God in a toxic marriage… only because I lived in one for so long. My heart hurts when I think about the many Jesus-loving sisters who share a similar journey. Thank the Lord that my story is now being rewritten and I no longer am living that life. God’s grace rescued me and rerouted my journey and now I am married to a man who shows me what it’s like to be loved as God intended. It’s not perfect as we are not perfect. We both have messy stories from our past. We both have scars. We both have had our walls. But God!! When our stories collided the walls began coming down and a new story began. It’s a story formed and being written by God’s incredible grace and I truly am amazed. I am thankful for my past – not because of the pain – but because of what I learned in the midst of it. I have gleaned some wisdom and see things much differently then I once did. So please bear with me as I try to put into words my thoughts as of late.
I have heard comments like, “She was such a good woman, she put up with so much from him!” referring to her alcoholic and cheating husband. Women have been deemed as somewhat heroes when spoken of with regards to standing by their man as he cheated, lied, and lived a life that not only dishonored the covenant of marriage but dishonored his wife with reckless living. Some of these women have been blessed with the fruit of their enduring stance…their prayers were answered and their marriage and hearts have been beautifully made new and whole by the redemptive power of Christ. BUT for some, that has not been the case…not even close.
Remember this song?
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman Givin’ all your love to just one man You’ll have bad times and he’ll have good times Doing things that you don’t understand But if you love him you’ll forgive him Even though he’s hard to understand
And if you love him Oh be proud of him Cause after all he’s just a man
This song is similar to what my mom and countless others grew up believing (okay, maybe in part, I need to include myself in this…ugh!). This is what many were taught to do and how to live as a wife. I can tell you without a doubt that there have been so many wounded hearts and mentally scarred wives for having believed this way. Though this is not by any means labeled a “Christian” song, the Christian community embraces this kind of thinking and even MORE so. After-all, God HATES divorce! An underlying belief is that as a “Christian” wife, you stay with your man at all costs. He is deemed the leader of the home and you submit no matter what. He can lie, cheat, be a drunk, choose porn, frequent sex chat rooms, be abusive and more….but still, your calling in life is to win him over by your sweet and quiet spirit. Just pray more, read your Bible more, have dinner ready when he comes home, make yourself sexually available to him 24/7 AND have faith that one day he will turn his life around. You may separate from him if your life is in danger but don’t EVER entertain the idea of the “D” word. That is the unforgivable sin. As long as he wants to be your husband, then so be it. After all, he’s just a man. Part of your holy calling is to continually show him the love of Christ, even when you become aware of him habitually making a mockery of your marriage vows with reckless ways and lifestyle choices that wound your heart. You will be okay! Your heart matters but only to the degree that you sacrifice yourself at the mercy of his choices because after all, he’s just a man. Suck it up, cry those tears but hang in there. While he lives a double life behind closed doors don’t dare disrespect him by revealing truth to those who only see his mask. Keep his secrets and just tell Jesus. That’s respect and that is what you are called to give him.
AND before I get off this rant…… if your husband happens to be a Pastor or involved in some sort of leadership role within the church, just grin and bear it, sister. YOU would be the one to bring shame upon your family AND the church, should you reach out for help…YOU not him. No one would believe you anyway! Not him? Your words certainly would not line up with the way others see him in public, right? UGH!!!!
Oh, sweet sisters…..This. Is. SO. Messed. Up. Some of this may sound extreme but the harsh truth is…so much of it is true, even if nobody wants to admit it.
Let’s be real. The above picture of marriage is NOT the way our God created marriage to be. How in the world did we ever come this far as to put marriage on such a pedestal that the marriage itself is of more value than the hearts involved? Does the husband not have any responsibility? Of course he does. Read the Word. ALL the Word! Not just the parts about the wife being submissive. That ONE SCRIPTURE has been used and abused in so many ways. It is time the church rises up and protects God’s beloved daughters instead of telling them what THEY must do differently, then sending them back home to appease and enable the toxic, addictive and hurtful behaviors of their husband. It’s time for my sisters in Christ to rise up from their ashes and reclaim their strength and dignity as abundantly loved and cherished daughters of God Almighty! It’s time for our own daughters to be told and taught truth about boundaries and their value and worth in Christ. It’s time for those who have been in a toxic relationship to rise up and be a VOICE for righteousness and Holiness as we hold out HOPE for our wounded sisters.
IF you are currently living in a toxic marriage, by all means find a trusted confidant/counselor/pastor whom you can talk to. Do NOT allow your husband’s ongoing and hurtful secrets to become your secrets. You will become a shell of a woman in doing so. As a wife, you are called to be your husband’s helper; NOT his doormat. You were created by God Almighty. You are chosen, valued and treasured….so much so that Jesus died for YOU! If you are frequently being treated less than this, please realize this is NOT how God ordained marriage to be.
I know you are very familiar with the Scripture about wives being submissive to their husband’s but go BACK and read the verses that follow. Your husband is commanded to love YOU the way Christ loves the church. What does this look like? I am not saying he will be perfect but what I am saying is if your heart is wounded and broken by the same behavior and betrayal over and over again…you are in a toxic relationship and your marriage is NOT as God intended it to be. Get help, my friend. Do not overlook, deny, or enable. Rise up and show love to the man you married by holding him accountable to Truth. There is NO benefit in carrying on with life behind a mask and covering up his “stuff” in the name of pride, fear or even love. You must have boundaries if your man is habitually dishonoring you and the vows He made to you. I am NOT talking about a man who is repentant and taking full responsibility by working through and owning his stuff but is still struggling. I am no way condoning divorce nor am I encouraging it. What I am saying is do all that YOU can do to stop this destructive cycle. Don’t believe that if you just keep hoping for change that change will happen. Don’t believe that your “calling” is to simply love away your husband’s habitual, addictive and hurtful behaviors. It won’t work! That kind of love only enables his lifestyle of betrayal. You need to be brave and decide that this is NOT God’s best for you, your husband or your family! God WILL show you things and reveal things to you as you humbly keep your eyes on HIM. He will give you wisdom when you ask for it! If your husband has narcissistic tendencies, please read up on this and become educated on how to handle this type of personality.
Maybe you feel trapped? Stuck? You have the ability to change this but first you have to get fear out of the way. With an open heart, ask God to show you what you should do, then do it. I will ask you the same question that was asked to me…if not now, when? Just in case you didn’t catch it the first time….YOU ARE VALUED, YOU ARE CHOSEN, YOU MATTER! Maybe today is the day you embrace TRUTH and really hear what God is speaking to your heart. HE LOVES YOU and has GOOD plans for YOU no matter what lies have become your truth and painfully comfortable. YOU can’t be your husband’s savior nor the hero of your story. Only GOD can change hearts! Your husband needs a divine encounter with the ONE who died to free him. Just maybe it’s time for YOU to be brave, execute boundaries and get out the way so that God can do what only God can do. Truth WILL BE revealed as you give God a chance to work! I promise you this…no matter what is revealed, HE STILL HAS PLANS THAT ARE GOOD FOR YOU!! They just may not look like what you thought they would but nonetheless, they will be undeniably beautiful and full of His amazing, extravagant grace! Believe it, sweet sister!
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:21-32
I truly felt like a love-stricken teenager at heart as I taped each envelope on the door to surprise my sweet husband. This was only our second Valentine’s Day together as husband and wife but felt even more significant than our first. Why? Not sure! But I think it may have to do with the fact that I feel like I fall in love with him more everyday! Yes, it’s true!
As I purposely wrote each thought my heart was overwhelmed by God’s abundant faithfulness and amazing grace.
You see, Just a few years ago I really didn’t think I could entrust my heart to anyone in marriage again. The risk seemed way too high for this messy girl. From my past experiences, love to me was painful and it meant to live sacrificially broken with unrelenting heart wounds for the sake of another…..because that’s what Jesus-loving girls do, right!??? (Not!! That was simply WRONG thinking! Blog post or maybe I should say “rant” coming soon, ha!) Unfortunately, just when hope of change was sparked and healing was in sight the messiness would come again and again….and again. So the story goes.
When I first met Chris, even though I was undeniably drawn to him, my fears told me to run and I listened…ha! I was understandably scared and with a determined stance, I stuck a “closed” sign tightly over my heart. But thankfully, with much prayer and wrestling AND the support of my dear mentors and friends the story didn’t end there! Chris respectfully, patiently and gently continued the pursuit and the rest is our happily-even-after!!!
Even after we both had made our share of mistakes. Even after we both had hidden scars from our messy and broken past. Even after we both had experienced the tearing apart of significant relationships. All because our God is the God of the “even after”! Our God is so so good!! He truly does bring beauty from ashes!
The words I wrote on each note were a reflection of my heart being able to experience…for the first time ever, the love that was meant to be shared between a husband and a wife! It’s altogether beautiful and I can say that I am truly thankful for the lessons learned from our “before” scars that have brought us to our “even after” story today.
Friend, whatever your gut-wrenching story looks like today, it’s not over! In Christ, it is only a chapter, a season, and a tool to propel you towards your God-ordained, God-weaved, God-blessed and God-planned destiny! YOUR happily even-after story is coming! Believe it!
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.