Being a girl who has a history with messy and toxic relationships, some direct and some indirect, makes for an interesting dynamic in my relationships today and has afforded me unprecedented opportunities for growth.
This sacred but challenging journey of mine has been filled with intrusive thoughts, layers of toxic mindsets and rooted beliefs that do not align with who God is and who I am in Christ. Can you relate?
Throughout the past, the things that the enemy spoke to my vulnerable and broken self became MY truth about myself and others even though they were NOT true. I embraced the lies instead of taking them captive.
The hard-wired ruts in my mind that formed over the span of many years mixed in with survival, protection and coping mechanisms have been extremely hard to maneuver and break free from. BUT God!
Over the last few years, there has been a shifting or should I say “sifting” happening in my life. Because I am now in a safe place, surrounded by those who love me with the unselfish love of Christ, many of those mindsets have surfaced and the healing has begun.
In 2018, I was at a good place emotionally and spiritually thanks to God and precious mentors that He placed in my life. I had wrestled through and experienced much healing from obvious pain and grief that divorce demands.
It was at that time that God brought a special man into my life and the lives of my children. He soon became part of our redemption story. I knew God was creating beauty from the pile of ashes and my heart was full of much gratitude and awe.
However, as I soon realized, being remarried brought previous survival-mode mindsets to the surface that had been buried deep in my soul. Yes, God rescued me from Egypt physically but mentally I was still bound in some ways by my old ways of coping. Even though those old mind sets served me well in the past, they became hindrances to the new thing God was doing in my life.
Today, I am experiencing breakthroughs and strongholds from the past are being broken. God is so good and gracious that way. I have experienced His gentleness and patience as each unhealthy layer has been exposed, brought to light, wrestled with and healed. It has not at all been easy. It has taken much painful work through counseling, coaching, searching, and surrendering the wounded parts of myself to Jesus. I have had great progress along with numerous setbacks.
There were MANY days that I cried out to God to heal my heart and mind from the past. I wanted a quick fix and an easy solution. I was so willing. I remember pleading with God, “Just give me the three steps Lord, and I will do them. Whatever it takes!” I so desperately wanted freedom.
I quickly became discouraged each time an opportunity presented itself and instead of walking in truth, I once again filtered my present through my rearview mirror. It was hard on my mental health as well as my marriage. I am abundantly thankful that I was gifted with the patience and grace of Jesus through my dear husband. Experiencing that kind of love has wrecked me in a good way more times than I can count.
Throughout these seasons, I finally came to realize that God wanted my obedience MORE than he wanted to give me a quick fix.
The beauty of walking with Jesus in obedience as He exposes each false belief has been much more valuable than any quick fix.
Freedom comes with a high price. Jesus paid that price for us and He gives each of us the opportunity to experience freedom and the process of transformation as He creates beauty from our ashes. I have had numerous opportunities and I am quite aware that there will be more this side of Heaven.
Each opportunity and each new layer exposed is God’s reveal to heal and to allow me to experience His unending love as I choose to walk with Him through the NEW thing He desires to do in me and through me. It’s incredibly hard, it’s definitely messy but filled with so much grace and beauty.
Friend, if you like me, have had some past trauma, habitual betrayal and heartbreak after heartbreak, I have a word of encouragement for you.
Please, by all means, go to counseling, receive coaching, sit with mentors who will speak truth into your life, pray for healing, believe for healing and do whatever else God leads you to do. He is working even when you can’t see it.
Know this; your struggle does not define you nor disqualify you. The truth is, your healing may not come the way you think it will. Therefore, don’t get discouraged. Don’t give up even when you have checked all of your boxes and STILL, you struggle! Don’t quit. . . trust God. He knows what He is doing! There is purpose in all of it!
I want to share with you what I feel the Lord showed me that is so simple yet has inspired me hugely.
Not long ago, my husband and I watched an interesting movie about the apostle Paul. Although we are not told specifically what Paul’s thorn in the flesh was (not asking for a debate here), The depiction of the scripture below had a profound impact upon my messy heart.
2 Corinthians 12:7-9 To keep me grounded and stop me from becoming too high and mighty due to the extraordinary character of these revelations, I was given a thorn in the flesh—a nagging nuisance of Satan, a messenger to plague me! I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.”
The screenwriters took liberty with the way in which they conveyed Paul’s thorn in the flesh. As Paul was quoting this scripture the scene went quickly to thoughts that Paul was having. Images of his past were relentlessly tormenting him. He saw the many faces, young and old, of those whom he had martyred. He could hardly bare it; the eyes of the innocent, the fear in their faces, their pleadings for mercy. These flashbacks caused Paul much anguish and grief.
So how can we relate to this today?
How many of us are tormented by some element, trigger, event, regret, trauma or pain from our past? The Word of God actually describes Paul’s thorn as a messenger of satan sent to plague him. Some versions of the bible say to torment him.
Our past can certainly bring all kinds of torment to us, right?
Paul prayed and pleaded with God for this torment to be removed. God definitely heard and answered his prayer but not in the way Paul wanted. God’s ways are so much higher than ours. Instead of removing Paul’s thorn, God provided a way for Paul to overcome it; His beautiful grace.
How does this apply to you and me? Instead of God removing or healing us of all of our places of weakness on our terms and in our timing, could it be that He wants to teach us some valuable lessons about His grace in sustaining us and empowering us IN the midst of our weaknesses?
Today, I still have my moments of struggle but I no longer loath them nor do I beg God to remove them, at least not like I did in the past. My prayers have changed. God is equipping me with His sustaining, efficient and precise grace. He is teaching me about warfare and what it looks like to do the heart work and to walk by faith in obedience to what He has called me to.
The truth is, God has equipped us all as his sons and daughters to live a life of Godliness and faith.
Hebrews 13:20-21 Now the God of peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
God has given us all we need but We have to CHOOSE to walk out this life crucifying our flesh and walking by the spirit.
Our spirit was made new when we surrendered our lives to the Lordship of Jesus BUT our flesh is a piece of work that needs transformation to align with our spirit.
God teaches, trains, empowers and transforms us by His spirit and by His Word. We GET to learn how to stand firm in our faith, how to resist the enemy, how to fight the good fight of faith AND how to use the weapons he has so graciously given to us to overcome.
As we grow, we learn valuable lessons regarding the faithfulness of our God.
As we stubbornly choose obedience to God and His ways over our own methods, our life changes.
As we surrender our messy selves to Him, we understand more clearly that God’s grace IS sufficient, precise AND truly enough, no matter the struggle!
Blessed is She 