I am still trying to wrap my mind around this as I type. I will try to explain. Each year I pray and seek God regarding my “word” for the year. This seems to be a trendy thing to do now days but I can testify to how richly and hugely God has used this in my life in recent years. It’s a powerful thing! I have found it to be so much MORE than just claiming a “word” for the year. It helps to keep my easily distracted brain focused and gives me an anchor to hold onto, especially in the difficult and challenging moments. You see, I don’t just look at it as a word but I also gather scripture references that magnify what God desires for me to embrace in whatever season I may be facing. However, this year I truly struggled with what my “word” should be. I had a list that I brainstormed but none of those words seemed to jump out at me like times past.
On a side note, one of the changes that I had been praying for in 2020 was that I would experience complete freedom from my past. How many of you know that God, in His great mercy, can and at times, does rescue us physically AND relationally. However, we have to prayerfully and intentionally not allow ourselves to remain bound mentally and emotionally? Right? Easier said than done! In my case, I have triggers that rise their ugly heads from my past that I am having to confront. SO many triggers that seem incredibly silly, nevertheless, they are real for me. I can tell you, our past can indiscriminately effect our today and tomorrows if we don’t get a grip. It is altogether ridiculous when you take a step back and see them for what they are. Even though they are real and my experience with them includes automatic panic with a knee-jerk racing heart beat and lump in my throat (PTSD?) …they are dumb! Yes that’s my word for them…ha!! God in His AMAZING GRACE and MERCY rescued me….took me OUT of the pit that I had lived in for years and yet here I am STILL dealing with the aftermath of what was..ugh! Dumb! I believe it’s the enemy’s way to keep us in the yuck that God has freed us from! I have been adamantly praying that in 2020 that I would have wisdom and insight as to how to handle them more victoriously as they come. You see, obviously before I was remarried, these recent triggers lay dormant as I was not in such a relationship. The truth is, some healing can only come as we are forced to face our emotional hangups. Getting remarried has been my force. It’s been abundantly beautiful in some ways and extremely hard in others. I have, most assuredly, had many growth opportunities that I did not even realize I needed, ha! Some progress can seem slow and get downright frustrating. This messy girl is thankful that God has blessed me with a sweet husband who understands grace because he has experienced it in abundance for himself. He is patient and graciously helps me face and walk through these triggers in a safe space. The thing about triggers is they can come at any moment, out of now where, and trip me up. TO say I dislike them is an understatement, but my dislike for them does not make them go away, by no means. However, my obedience to Christ in my messy moments, CAN! Maybe this is resonating somehow with you and if so, please hang with me. We can all have things from our past that distracts and seeks to destroy the very freedom that Christ has already given to us.
Back to my “word” for 2020. My husband and I chose to take a week to pray and fast to start off our new year. I was anticipating that one of the things that God would reveal was that special “word”. A we ended our fast, I still had no clue. Though I was feeling disappointed, I continued to believe it would come. That was on a Friday night…fast forward to Sunday morning. I was waiting to leave for church and it hit me….YES!!! Thank you, Jesus! AND it makes SO much sense though I can’t fully comprehend the magnitude of it at this moment.
I understand about living loved by God and what it looks like to walk that out. Such a precious and life-giving, life-changing revelation. That Divine knowledge has been my lifeline and saving grace throughout (okay, maybe I haven’t fully comprehended ALL that entails in my human mind as I still get tripped up at times, but I have understood it enough for His amazing love and grace to be a difference maker in my life!) However, it is living loved within marriage, by my spouse, that gets me tripped up and entangled in all kinds of anxiety and insecurities. As I have mentioned before, love to me within marriage meant pain. It meant that my heart was never safe with my spouse. It meant that after a heart-breaking reveal, it would be just a matter of time before my heart was broken again. I was taught by my wounds that things weren’t always as they seemed and that there were always secrets lurking in the darkness. It meant there was no trust. It meant half truths, if any truth at all. Subsequently, I never fully experienced the love that God ordained to be shared between husband and wife. How do I know this? Because of what God has allowed me to experience now! Like wow!! My NEW normal has been a huge beautiful adjustment and my heart, at times, is still trying to catch up and walk in it’s Truths. THAT, my friend is why this is extremely exiting to me!
Sweet friends, God doesn’t miss a thing! This challenge to “live loved” has touched my heart in ways that words can’t express. I do NOT have to live less than loved any longer by my spouse. It’s like God is revealing to me that it’s okay. My heart is now safe. It’s a NEW season, a NEW day and God is doing a NEW thing! No more toxicity. No more betrayal. I am free! I can breathe. I can relax. I can let go of marital fears and doubts, suspicious thinking and ENJOY this life that God has so blessed me with. AND peace, such sweet peace. I can “live loved” as I am abundantly loved by God AND deeply and affectionately loved by my husband. It’s going to take work on my part. New thinking, aggressively taking thoughts captive that are attached to the past, and embracing every sweet and beautiful thing about living in freedom.
My husband, since I met him, has declared over and over that he wants to be beautiful for me. Honestly, when he first shared that with me, I thought it sounded strange and I did not quite understand what he was trying to say. But now, I get it! He has certainly taught me and continues to teach me what it looks like AND feels like too experience love, God’s way! God is so good, ya’ll!
I am striving to embrace this “LIVE LOVED” life as I detach from toxic mindsets. Maybe you need freedom, too? Maybe your story is different from mine but you still have ugly, messy “stuff” from the past that is battling to keep you bound. Can I encourage you today? Don’t give up! Keep pushing through….keep wrestling! A trigger moment does not make you are a failure or any less spiritual. God understands why you are the way you are! However, His love for you will not leave you that way nor abandon you to battle alone. Maybe you need some outside intervention. Maybe you need a mentor to come along side of you. Maybe YOU need a “word”, an anchor of sorts to hold you steady with scriptures to combat your triggers. Maybe YOU need a divine and/or renewed revelation of how very much GOD loves YOU!! Sweet friend, pray and seek God and wait for His answer. He knows what lies ahead of you and He will graciously equip you to rise above all that desires to hold you captive. LIVE LOVED and know that greater is HE that is in YOU than all the yuck, the lies, the deceit, the wounds, the losses, the betrayals and the disappointments of your past! Rise up, sweet sister!! God has amazing plans for YOU!!! You are extravagantly and completely loved! Now go and live like you believe it! By God’s amazing grace and power, we CAN do this!!
1 John 4:16: “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.”
Psalm 143:8: “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”
Song of Solomon 4:9: “You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.”
Proverbs 30:18-19: “There are three things that amaze me—no, four things that I don’t understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman.”